Art is a jealous mistress, and, if a man have a genius for painting, poetry, music, architecture, or philosophy, he makes a bad husband, and an ill provider. (Waldo Emerson)

My Mania

I Am Just Saying!

My least favorite animal is the Chimpanzee. You can not smile at them. They throw their own waste. They rip one another in pieces and then eat them! They turn on you when you least expect it. Sure Sure they sound like many other animals but at least those other animals grow up and still stay attractive animals.  Have you ever seen a pretty Chimp? 

Thats so "AMAZING"

The word amazing is now annoying. It never used to bother me. But as of late it seems that is literally the only word people know how to use to describe their experience or opinion. And the way they say it drives me batty also. Every time I hear it.. I can not help myself - I role my eyes. Imagine how hard it is for me when people I love say it to me personally.  

Art and Porn

I came in here with this crazy ranting of how there is a difference between the artistic nude and porn. I made one false move and deleted the whole thing. It's probably for the best. My vamping sounded horrible!  My problem is this - I dislike when I look at some art and I see all these paintings and drawings of what is without doubt a porn model posing from a magazine.  Its just smut to me. I do not see it as art. My first reaction is to brush it aside. Not even considering the talents of the artist. And some of them are very talented! But I just see the painting or drawing and think that this guy or gal looks at a lot of porn. Then when others say how great the poses are and blah blah.. I think they too... Look at a lot of porn and their opinion  now mean a lot less to me. Then there are those that actually buy it. Why not just rip the pages out of the books and take them to kinkos and blow them up? Frame it and rig that on your ceiling or above your bed. It would be a lot cheaper! I just do not think that it is the same thing. Just because you think you can... you can not pull your "I am an artist" card and tell me to love your scat. 

Now we can argue about this all the live long day and I will see your point and raise you two! No matter how much I consider your point.. I will not change my mind. 

MARCH 24  I really get frustrated when a silly song gets stuck in my head. So yesterday I figured out a way to get rid of it. Every time I would try to sing the song in my mind - I would replace the words with BLAH BLAH BLAH.. But you can not sing that in the songs same tune. It has to be just blah blah blah as if you are saying it to be a jerk! Know what I mean.. It worked.. You can try it and tell me if it works next time! 

March 7th - I have really been having a hard time finding energy to clean the house and do the things that make me happy and skinny feeling. So I decided that I would find some "cleaning" music.. I put together an old list of songs from my younger days. They worked then. But I was a little afraid because they might remind me of a lot of things that I do not like to think about. Well then singing really helped me get through (I was not an artist then) a lot of junk that I dealt with. I love to sing just as much as laughing. I used to tell myself I sounded just like the singer for Roxette! Loved them!  There was one song that came on and it punched me in the guts! I have not listened to it in so long. I think its been about seven years maybe. But I am feeling really good. I am cleaning. I actually moved my couches and I am vacuming under them! I have not done that in about 6 months! yeah.. Somethings wrong.   I thought that leaving my old life behind would make me better and make it all go away.. Avoid the things that hurt you. The music did not hurt me. It saved me! I was so obsessed with trying to heal and move on that I forgot about some of the most important things. I wanted to be a lounge singer when I was a little girl. I just love to sing. And I do not even know if I sing good! Doesn't matter. 

March 6th - My biggest frustration today and many other days is trying to explain myself. I said something on FB about me not being special. Everyone that read it assumed that I was feeling sorry for myself. What I said was "learning that I am not special sucks.. however it is very liberating". Or something close to that. I feel the need to explain myself. I do not want anyone to think that I would outright say something like that. When I say things like that there is always a meaning. What I was trying to say is that its nice for me to learn that there are other people out in the world that are more like me and I am not alone. Its liberating to know that I do not have to go through this journey alone and that I am a little more "normal" than I once thought. That is a lot of weight on your shoulders when you know you are the only "special" person on the planet! ;)

I am not good with words. I have been told this a lot lately. It makes me laugh but its really not that funny. I am working on it. No.. Really.. I am

March 5th - Should I care that the first boy I kissed does not even remember me? Should I? Guess it really isn't that big of a deal. After all I am sure I was not the first kiss he ever received.  So why would I take it personally.  Your right. I do not take it personally. Nice to have  this talk!  I knew I could count on you  ;) 

March 4th -  Sometimes I get so obsessed with what other people think of me - that I will sit on the computer all day and do nothing else but wait - and see who notices me.. 

February 18 - Sincerely, The Unknown Artist

This is my fifth attempt to write to you. One of my biggest fears with you is telling you my feelings about things. My real feelings. I am not talking about the ones that have anything to do with just you .. but all of them. I believe in God very much but sometimes I need some one to talk back to me. I am so afraid of judgment and so untrusting that its hard for me to open up to many people leaving me restless and alone. Especially when you are needy as I can be at times. A good friend is so hard to find anymore. So what I need to talk about with you is this:

I feel manic the last couple of days. I mean REALLY manic. My thinking is changing.. The way I see people is changing... and the way I see myself. Not all is for the best I am afraid. I feel guilty because my ego is taking over at times. Its like I have a split personality and I have to fight it so that I am not a bitch. I know that I am no better than anyone else but my brain takes over and says: "Are you kidding me? Your twice the artist they are". And I stand tall and say "I know right". Then I slouch and say.. "Wow.. your a bitch". I keep pictures of other artists work that are much better than my own to keep me humble at the same time. Unfortunately if I look too long at them I begin to believe I too can create what they have and maybe even better. yeah.. manic. However.. that ego - will get me somewhere! I know that if I listen to it it will drive me to be the artist that I KNOW I am. My fear is losing myself in the rush. When I am in the rush - nothing matters to me but that feeling. Not even you. It becomes all about me and me alone and my self accomplishments and worth. My ego. That is no way to live when there are so many people that I love and cherish all around me. You are a very large example of one of those people. So how do you cope with this mania? This disturbance.

I know that you may not understand me right away. I know that you may want to role your eyes at me and tell me that I am being "weird" again - but I believe you wont. I have to. I felt as if I may explode if I didn't get it out. Thank you for listening. Just getting it out made me feel better. I have a confession. I cried while writing this to you.

The Unknown Artist

Where is your soul?
I just figured out where my soul is. Its in my stomach! When I watch my children fall or get hurt - I feel a tingle in my stomach. "butterflies". Fear. When I cry because I am so very sad - I curl into a ball without my control and I cry from the depths of my guts.  When I laugh, I mean really laugh - I feel it come from deep within my stomach.   I never put any of this together till tonight. I was watching "practical magic" remember that movie? yeah cute movie. Well the part where the sisters are in the circle and they hold hands to expel the demon - remember that? Well all of the sudden my eyes well up and I feel like I am going to cry. My kids are all sitting with me and I know if I cry they will laugh. They always do. So I decided I had to hold it in.. I couldn't do it. All of the sudden I tensed up my stomach muscles so hard. I could feel myself holding it back. It was hard! But I did it! I did not cry! The feeling subsided and I relaxed my stomach. I sat there very quiet. Call me crazy all you want but I believe my soul is in my stomach! 

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