Art is a jealous mistress, and, if a man have a genius for painting, poetry, music, architecture, or philosophy, he makes a bad husband, and an ill provider. (Waldo Emerson)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Celebrating the life of a bully.


Last week I found out that my long time child hood bully passed away.  At first when I found out - my stomach sank and I felt sick and sleepy. Then I started to cry. I couldn't talk about him. Every time I tried to explain our relationship and how I felt about him, I would break down and cry. I could not think of anything good between us. Nothing. But yet I broke down and cried a lot. I really needed to figure it out. I was starting to think I was losing my mind. Maybe it was because I am over sensitive and death is not a comfortable subject for me? Who knows? Maybe because I have known him for so long that I actually cared about him? Yes I can see that as true. But how much did I care about him?  If you have some time I would like to give you a little history on our life. He made me cry a lot. He made me hate school. He made me feel so ugly when he would call me "Skankie Frankie". I hated going to PE because if you were on his team - he was so mean if you messed up. He would yell in my face and call me stupid. I think he teased me so much because we lived in a small town and they all knew my life at home. They knew my brother and I were not as fortunate as them. Kids can be so cruel. Everyone laughed at him of course because I believe they feared him. Its easy to get away from the bully if you laugh at him right? Wrong? He will still get you! I was not his only victim. There are others who remember him as I do. So he found me on Facebook recently. When I saw his friend request - I just stared at it for a while. At one point I had thought I forgave him because I thought I saw him weak. I was wrong. His friend request made me a little neurotic. I would go and creep his page over and over. I would follow all his conversations to see what he was saying to others. I wanted him to notice me so when I would leave any type of post I would think of him and wonder if he was reading it and if it made me sound "cool" to him. (Its funny because I did the same thing to a guy who I had known for so long and cared so much for. Him and his family. I ended up not caring as much as I had always thought. Nice to let that go finally.) Facebook is bad enough - Who needs this? I felt like I was in highschool all over again. So I ended up making a new Facebook. One for my friends and then the one I have now for all my close friends and family. I had a small conversation with him and the whole time I was obsessed about it. I was so careful not to say anything that he could use against me or make fun of me. So I joked with him. Seemed to work and I felt a little better. He really had not changed much by what I read and the things he was doing. He still seemed to be someone who made jokes at others expense.  And its so weird because all of those who used to laugh at him to escape him, were doing it on Facebook still!  So why was I crying so much? Well I was not sure why for a couple of hours. Then I figured it out. I was in mourning for this person because I could no longer tell him how much he hurt me! My chance was gone. I could have told him on Facebook and I thought about it - but I was so afraid he would make jokes about it and not care. So I avoided it.  I was on Facebook about 8 days ago and I found myself looking at his page again. So dumb. So I got off. A couple of days later my friend sent me a text and said "that is so weird about MH dying!" I had no clue who she was talking about. Then after I sent "who is MH" I said his name in my head. And that is when I felt sick and sleepy. She confirmed it with her next text.    So why am I telling you all this? Because I can not tell my old friend and peers. They all laughed with him and I think they would just be rude to me. So I am telling you. Whom I trust to just listen. So let me close this off as to how I feel today.   I am not angry. As a matter of fact when I was crying I found myself talking to God about him. Asking him to seek him out if possible and chat with him. Just give him a chance. Saying that right now makes me want to cry again. Yep. I am upset. Anyway - I do not want bad things for him. He taught me a very valuable lesson in life. "Treat others the way you want to be treated". That is a big lesson in my house. My children are constantly reminded to take care of those who are weaker or smaller. This includes other children at school, animals all the way down to ants and spiders. Maybe I have taken it too far with the spiders but still - We have to take care of each other with kindness and love. And for that lesson - I thank you MH! It helps me to celebrate our relationship that we had and accept it as something positive. I pray for peace for his family and for him to Rest Peacefully as well.                                  Life is what we make it. I just want to make it. 



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4 comments:

DebbieLynne said...

Sorry for your "friend's" death. But I'm glad he taught you to respect other people.

Much better font color. Cursive is fairly easy to read. I've learned that the basic fonts, while admittedly boring, are best. I had a pretty font that I thought would be easy to understand, but when I posted something using numbers, my husband couldn't read it. I had to go back to Arial. Disappointed.

But using fonts and colors that others can easily read shows respect, doesn't it?

Frankie said...

Yes. I think so. So that is why I was trying to work it out with you :) If you would have come back and said that this did not work for you - I would have changed it again. XO Miss Debbie. :):)

Wee Spookeez Design said...

This is a really good post Frankie. People change with time. I'm certain that this person had many regrets as to the way he treated people in his younger days. It was probably "healing" in a way, at least from his perspective, to be able to reconnect with some of those people on FB. I'm sure, even though he may never have said it, he was probably trying to say "I'm sorry". It was good of you to decide to communicate with him again. Even though you didn't have the chance to say what you really wanted to say before his passing, I'm pretty sure it was understood. Sometimes things don't need to be spoken.
btw, I've been missing for awhile. Hope all's well with you. Take care. -D-

Vilisi said...

Hello Frankie. I read this and I was touched by your honesty and sensitivity.
Blessings,
Vilisi